NEPHART.COM

I still feel bad

for the lecturer

who had to teach empty benches

because one day

out of the blue

I went to a university class

after missing many

and found myself sitting alone

among rows of empty seats

with only the lecturer

watching me

each time he spoke

I waited for my classmates

five minutes

ten minutes

fifteen minutes

but no one appeared

I wonder if he felt awkward too

standing in front of all those benches

with only one student

maybe he did not feel good

he may have wondered

why nobody wanted to attend

his class in person

whether his lessons were not interesting

whether the students did not like him

or whether he was speaking

to a room

that had already forgotten him

then I started searching

for an excuse to leave

the lecturer began an activity

on his presentation

and asked me to log in

from my laptop

I told him

I needed to get another laptop

from the library

so I would have to go

he said

he could show me

how to do it

on the laptop I already had

perhaps he already knew

I was searching for a way

to escape

he tried to stop me politely

not by forcing me to stay

but by offering his help

I felt strange

sitting there alone

carrying my shyness

my silence

and the weight of being noticed

but leaving

was not a good decision

at least

he would have had one person

in the room with him

instead

I left him alone

with the online students

watching from the corners

of their homes

maybe after I left

he looked again

at the empty benches

the room felt even quieter

maybe he thought

even the only student

who came to his class

did not want to stay

later

I heard classmates

people I barely knew

gossiping about a teacher

poor lecturer

they said

he had to teach

empty benches

there was one student

but he left too

and I knew

they were talking about me

when I remember his face

I place myself

in his position

standing before an empty room

trying to teach

trying to remain professional

trying not to show

how awkward or disappointing

it might have felt

and I feel really bad

really sad

I know I was suffocating

inside my shyness

struggling with being an introvert

hiding behind an irrelevant excuse

but I should not have left him

he wanted to help me

I could have stayed

I could have learned

so many things

all his attention

would have been mine

I failed to recognise the opportunity

I failed to build that small bond

and even now

the memory returns

like an unfinished lesson